Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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