I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
