I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
