I skipped work to stalk him.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
