I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
