Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
