you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
