turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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