Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
