update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club š
Iāve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You offered him a āSorry I Blew Your Brotherā Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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