I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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