I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
