My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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