I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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