3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
