So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
