Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
