You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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