bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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