HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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