Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
