we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
