When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
