she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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