I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had to cum in my sink.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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