I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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