I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
