i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This is my gift to your gina
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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