I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
