All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
All I want is dick and wine.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
