You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
