if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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