I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Girls should come with a carfax report
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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