dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
