it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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