Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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