no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
