god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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