I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
