If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
