I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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