I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
