What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
