Im at strip club and am horny
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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