so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
