i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
