omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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