last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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