I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
