I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
