Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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