They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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