somebody snuck up and got me drunk
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
