We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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