that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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