You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
