I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
