Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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