Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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