i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
