What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
