i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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