I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
