I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
