Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
